Kobe brayant: why the communitY grieves

It all begins with an idea. For many, the death of icon Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gianna and seven other victims on Sunday, January 26th was jarring, devastating and unthinkable news. Almost immediately after the story broke, so did the hearts of millions of basketball fans and individuals who respected the late sportsman. Many so beautifully expressed that it wasn’t about knowing the man, or following his career, but more about the human experience. We can all relate to the certainty with which we speak with family and friends, part from them each day, and expect to see them later.

Death often reminds us of our own mortality as human beings. It can't be controlled, and it becomes easy to feel out of control when trying to manage our reactions to loss. Many draw the lesson that life is fleeting and it becomes clear that death is the great equalizer no matter who the person.  However, beyond the lessons we try to glean, death and dying are so different in the digital age.

Social media gives us the ability to share shock, sadness, and rage about the circumstances of the death of the nine people on that helicopter. We are both comforted and numbed to the memorable moments flooding timelines and news outlets repeatedly showing the same highlight reels. Interestingly enough, sports have often been the way people can unwind and escape the things that may be bothering them.  For the foreseeable future, major sports stations are all about remembering the great sportsman and it can be easy to feel flooded with grief, having no way to cope.

Sharing in solidarity and finding common ground with a community of grievers is a normal expression of mourning. But the nonstop content is the down side of grieving with constant media and is often less discussed.  Grieving as a community has almost always been in the fabric of the Black experience. As we show sorrow for the loss of our heroes, grief reminds us that the death of a neighbor could have been one of our own or that of our family members.  It’s easy to feel that the community needs you; you will be less informed if you grant yourself a ‘grief break’, all while feeling pressure to express how the life of an icon personally impacted yours.

Here are some helpful tips to consider when reflecting and processing how your reaction to loss is expressed:

Take time to be aware

What is the death bringing up within you? As alluded to before, all kinds of death may make you realize your own sense of mortality. There is no right or wrong feeling to have during grief. All emotions are valid, even for an individual you have never met. We don't have to meet someone personally to feel the ache of family members and friends suffering, to be nervous and anxious, even feeling physically sick at the thought of what another human is experiencing, which brings endless possibilities of what grief can trigger within each person.

Triggered?

Often grievers and those who have not yet suffered death loss, feel a chord has been struck within them, causing a domino effect of thinking about other experiences of loss. Sometimes we think of the people gone from our lives, other times it's less tangible, like the loss of a time period or character we admired. For many, Kobe Bryant represented childhood, and young adulthood. He was looked up to because of his mamba mentality; his fierce competitive nature. There was excitement about what he would do in retirement and how he would transition off the court. All of these things and more will be mourned.  Take the time to identify what major themes are present for you.

Logoff/Unplug

People increasingly want the latest news first and have the desire to feel that they are not alone in their feelings of grief. We want to know that others slept terribly this week, are feeling helpless and tears are being shed.  It is good to be informed, but extremely easy to get and feel overwhelmed.  Remember to practice self-care by logging off and taking a break when necessary.  Breaks don’t only apply to reducing your online presence but also stepping away from a conversation that may be too much or turning off the radio.  Find activities and ways to cope that positively recharge you so you’re able to go back and mourn with the community of grievers. 

Don’t forget the children

All too often children are the forgotten grievers as we work through our feelings and share with peers. We may forget that children can be deeply impacted by the changes death brings, especially sudden and unexpected death. They too may be triggered by the loss of one of their favorite celebrities and/or have questions about what death means for them or their families. Adults may not have all the answers but children certainly take their cues about grieving from what adults in their life display. Don’t let things outside of the home be the only teachers; instead take time to have face to face conversations with children about how they are impacted.

As the famous C.S. Lewis quote states “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”. It can be incredibly scary to navigate a world where the next loss may be around the corner. In these times we can also be aware that banding together and giving voice to our fears, uncertainties, and sorrow may just be what is needed to make it through the ups and downs of grief.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t remind you; it’s worth repeating over and over again: hold your loved ones a little tighter today, forgive and be free, and speak encouraging loving words. Live life purposefully.   

© Anchor Grief 2020