COVID and layers of loss
It all begins with an idea. The COVID-19/Coronavirus pandemic has hit the globe like a whirlwind. The impact of the novel illness has not only been affecting people physically but bringing up numerous mental and social issues as governments, communities, and individuals try to cope with the far reaching toll of the virus. Large cities such as New York and Los Angeles have their residents sheltering in place and people all over the country are encouraged to physically distance themselves in order to decrease the spread of the virus. School buildings have closed as classrooms are moved to virtual platforms, millions of Americans are now laid off, and hospitals are overwhelmed with an increased need for life saving support and how to accommodate more critical patients.
There are almost no words to describe the many losses taking place and the surreal aspects of this moment in time. Grief in its most simple definition is a reaction to a loss, death related or non-death related. It is felt almost daily and for many people, grief adds up and multiplies rapidly as their environments, routines and social structures change. What many are finding is that grief is being felt along a wide spectrum. There should be no shame in talking about the variety of experiences individuals, young and old, are having during this time.
Through news and social media outlets we are bombarded with the grief of health professionals as they work tirelessly to help the sick… often losing the battle. We hear and see families and friends mourning the deaths of loved ones they were not able to see in hospitals, nursing homes, and penitentiaries. Financial burdens swamp households as many are forced to stay home unpaid. It can be easy to place these situations and aspects of grief, as important as they are, in a hierarchy that does not allow the acknowledgement of other losses during this time. Somewhere guardians are frazzled because children with special needs have had their schedules interrupted, a couple’s birth plan is disrupted, a senior student has several milestone events unexpectedly cancelled and an individual with few social connections feels isolated and alone. And more issues still: the grief of losing purpose when there is no longer a place of work to travel to, the grief of missing self-care activities like hair appointments, the grief of losing feelings of safety and security in a time where the unknown looms. They all hold value.
In many ways, the various griefs caused by COVID- 19 parallel what grievers have been saying for years about the deaths of special persons. There is no sense of control and people who feel out of control express their grief in many ways. Cognitively there can be a loss of concentration, forgetting of tasks, many idle hours scanning the internet not retaining much information, and a need for technological screen time to escape. Physically there can be more headaches, uneasiness in the pits of stomachs, and increased anxiety which can manifest physically and cognitively. Emotionally, feelings of anger, frustration, and fear may present as new challenges arise.
For many, less talked about feelings develop, like guilt. Some face the privilege of being able to work when many cannot, and others are able to retreat to homes that they consider safe spaces in contrast with others who must stay in spaces where they are abused or battered. There are individuals who feel the grief of no choice, as they risk unsafe conditions at work versus risking financial stability. Many feel inadequate and less productive as they struggle to keep up with daily changes and stressors. Grief can be layered and complicated with no particular aspect existing on its own. It’s possible to experience one and numerous manifestations of grief at once. Loss may also compound as individuals find their regular mechanisms of coping inaccessible or not comforting while trying to meet the challenges of the day.
Amidst all these aspects of grief lies another core experience and question for many grievers of death related loss. Will there ever be ‘normal’ again? For grievers the answer is often no as they begin their journey to find what the new normal will be. Although anticipative that cases of COVID-19 will decline, the virus will be further studied and cured, it can be argued that this pandemic has left its imprint in the American psyche. As individuals experience different losses they can also reflect on what they have discovered about self or communities. Sometimes compassion is what is found as people band together to offer one another support. It can be the ingenuity that was discovered under the most trying of times like planning a virtual funeral or the hope that arose when a desperately needed connection was made at just the right time.
In grief there can be the need to make meaning but there is also no rush to make meaning. For some, the whys of grief may always outweigh answers received. It’s ok to recognize and name the losses that are impacting your own life. For a moment, forget comparing them to that of others and just let yourself be and feel. In many ways we’re all grieving. In these times let’s not forget to support one another. Instead of analyzing and creating hierarchies of loss, let’s focus on how to stay connected and validate each other in the most vulnerable parts of our personal experiences. It’s all grief.
© Anchor Grief 2020
